_heroika muljadi_ :: la mia bella vita: me and the people in my life...
WARNING: this space is for my rambling about the world, life & everything else.
life isn't always pretty & sweet, so some words/pictures posted might be offensive or inappropriate for some. if you keep reading, take your own risks.
suggestions & comments are always welcome. any complain? send it my way! only cowards talk behind one's back... ciao!
economy might be in catastrophe. the 'giants' are collapsing one by one. job hunt might be the most challenging i've ever experienced... according to what's written, my time is limited here.
leaving this city is the scariest thought i've ever had. this is my home... where i belong, where i feel so alive, where i know i can be somebody, where i discover myself, and where i find my better half.
as scary and as hard as it might be, i'm trying to keep walking and hold my head up high. whatever the future holds in store for me, i'm sure it's gonna be a good thing and waiting for me at the corner
it might be gloomy out there... but somehow i see it as a HUGE opportunity. i still don't know what, but i'm cranking my brain right now to come up with a solution for myself and for my future...
try to put me down and try to kick me out. just watch, i will come back in victory. better than ever... as i learn about the darkness to see and to embrace the light.
how life is full of mysteries... with so many sharp twists and turns.
i am wearing my 'seat belt' tightly and trying my best to enjoy the ride. there are some bumps here and there, and how i am trying so hard to learn from everything, move on and leave it to the past.
dreams and hope are always there. being grateful, persistence and faith are the keys. i just know that all my prayers will be answered soon... very very soon.
how we take things around us for granted so many times... we keep thinking that it's a default for us to receive it. we forget to be grateful for what we have as it might be the only chance we have
but anyway... friendship is beautiful... it's amazing how friendship can lift you up when you're down... and i am so so grateful to have great friends in my life.
how many many things in our life work in such a mysterious way... how many times in your life that you expect to find a shoulder to cry on, ears that listen to your crap, 'n receive 1 of the greatest insights... from the least least least expected person; someone from the past who once hurt you so bad, but you decided to forgive and maintain the friendship?
count your blessing
count your blessings instead of your crosses; count your gains instead of your losses.
count your joys instead of your woes; count your friends instead of your foes.
count your smiles instead of your tears; count your courage instead of your fears.
count your full years instead of your lean; count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
count your health instead of your wealth; love your neighbor as much as yourself.
"what do you wanna be when you grow up?" is the question people asked when we were young... but did you really know what you wanted to be? what if you were asked again. "what do you wanna be?" or "are you the person you wanted to be?"
how do you define yourself? do you really know who you are despite of the title people give you or what people say about you?
all my life i have been searching. growing up in the culture and in the family where everything seems already defined for you.. you have to do this, you're not allowed to do that. this is wrong, that is not ladylike, this is not according to eastern culture, so on and so forth. from people around me i have noticed, people start talking behind your back or in front of you nicely or even sarcastically, if you don't do what 'society' expects you to do. some parents start saying that you disrespect them if you only speak your mind and tell them the truth... and mind you, you ARE speaking to them in a very respectful way. always making sure that i achieve the standard being set for me, i have always thought that this is what i'm supposed to be... altho it seems the bar is getting higher and higher despite of what i've accomplished in my life. i don't say that it's completely bad to follow (or obey) 'cuz it helps you to stay in track, building your foundation. however, at the same time it also can make people lose themselves...
almost all my life i had been lost. only in the last couple years, with the help from my dearest and beautiful people in my life... after living in a such crazy life, in 1 of the craziest cities in the world 'n meeting so many interesting people, i start to know who i am and what i really want.
i am still kinda lost... kinda is the word. but not as lost as i used to be. mistakes after mistakes i have made... and i'm paying my dues for some mistakes i made. it's totally ok for making mistakes 'cuz i'll learn from it, but it hurts really bad when the mistakes i made affected the most beautiful thing ever happened to me. let go, let God, 1 of my best friends said to me... and as hard as it is, i am trying. deep down i really really want to pick someone to blame, but then what's the point. those people will always be who they are. they'll never change. i can only change myself.
so, this is me... and all me. altho it'll be a giant step for me, but 'that' is what i want. let go, let God. if it's meant to be, then it'll be. i have no regret whatsoever as the intention has always been pure and straight from the heart. only very recently, after knowing who and what i really am, i realized that i could've chosen a different route to deliver it.
... with all the chaos and hectic schedule as part of our life with Manhattan, Central Park and Flushing Meadow Park as the background with Coney Island and subway as the playground with Russell Peters, Altar Boyz, Jump, and many others tickling the tummy with friends and family warming the hearts my book of life is filled with so many bright colors... the brightest colors a girl can ask for nothing else i ask only thank you i can express
you can't buy love you can't make anyone to like or love you
all you can do is just do what you wanna do with all your heart with no regrets and no pretentiousness if that love comes back to you, then it's yours... and cherish it. as not many have the privilege to have or feel it. if it doesn't, then be glad that you're blessed to have a chance to feel it deep inside, and have a chance to do your best with nothing to regret. especially if that person is a great person, then just be glad that that very person has come into your life and colored your book of life with the brightest color ever
“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life... as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.”
and this is what i'm still working on
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
although not as much, i admit that doubts are still there... yet, again and again i have been proven wrong. so, is "home" really mine to keep? God knows... how i want to so much
miss anything? i miss my classmates... wonderful, talented, smart, witty, and driven people. they're more than anyone can ask for from classmates.
today is the very 1st day (after 2 years) i have nothing to worry about anymore. no research, no paper, no HBR readings, no presentations. i woke up in the morning and the 1st thought in my head 'oh man, what am i supposed to do with all this free time?'
all in all.. it's all good. i'm very grateful for every single moment i have most of all... i am EXTREMELY grateful for having such dearest people in my life who are always being there for me... thick and thin... who never give up reminding me to stay positive.
almost 3 days, 2007 has been behind us. memories, good and bad, are what we hold on to... notes we wrote, pictures we took, emails we sent have become parts of what we had last year.
looking back, 2007 was a very interesting year... started with not a very smooth ride, but ended with wisdom, laughters, warmth, and joy, surrounded with loved ones, and feeling at home. some are so far away, yet they are still so close... and even closer to the home.
lately, NYC might have been so cold, yet it has been the 'warmest' ever.
how so grateful. years can keep changing. age can keep adding. but every year excitements are there to see what life has in store. hope for the best, prepare for the worst, they say...
many from 2007 will, of course, be carried on to the new year... as for the not-so-good-ones, continuously hoping that time still gives a chance to fix... before it's too late.
all this time i had never really comprehended what it exactly meant. to me, it was just an expression. but yesterday... at the JFK airport (out of all places), it dawned on me
though i'm so far away from my original home, at this very moment... i AM home
doubts are still there, but slowly they disappear. warmth, patience, understanding, and peacefulness prevail over troubled heart.
lately, people mentioned a lot about faith to me. they say... i should have faith in God... faith in good things... faith in good people.
it's an easy word to say... but not an easy thing to do at all.
with all the chaos in life. the experiences we all have been through. some leave smiles, and good memories behind, and some leave tears, scars and nightmares. for those who have not so good experiences, some can learn from it and be cool about it, some completely block the memory from their mind, and some still have the memory regardless how hard they try to learn and move on with their life.
look around and see... how it is kinda sad to see ourselves.. how much we grow to become very individualistic and suspicious towards others. people are 2nd guessing and having their guards up to those who do nice things to them. how hard it is to believe that genuine, good, and real people DO exist out there... and when that very person stands in front of you... when that very good person becomes part of your life, you ask yourself 'is it for real?'.. and you tell yourself 'it is just too good to be true'
why do we have to ask ourselves such questions? is it impossible for good things happening in our life? why does everything become too complicated?
we all are looking for our own happiness. but sometimes, we ourselves are our own biggest enemy. by not having faith, we're constantly asking... constantly doubting... constantly wondering... instead of enjoying the good things presented in front of you... your own negative vibes destroy what's supposed to be yours to keep...
from time to time, it is good to have time for yourself... to look back, to think, to decompress, to reflect... about people, and other aspects of our life. many don't realize or even forget about it.
faith comes from trust... some people can trust others easily, others find trust as a very hard thing to give away (many are because of their past). trial after trial, with patience, slowly it grows. and when you do earn it, please keep it and cherish it. never ever break it 'cuz it's really hard to mend.
i learn... some people deserve to be trusted. for your own sanity, for that person's sanity, and for whatever type of relationship you have with that person... and i admit, i messed up. i really hope that i'm not too late.
so i'm reading my old posts... and 1 post struck me.
the quotes i have in that post remind me of what i had and have right now. wow... how time flies. right now i'm thinking of how many people i met who have taught and shown me so many things.
good things and good people are in my life right now. although not everything is perfect, but i am grateful. right now... i wonder 1 thing. if things are generally good... things are pretty much what i've been looking for for almost all my life, but... there's only 1 thing that's missing - 1 thing that somehow is so mysterious. no matter how i try to find out or compromise, i seem to face a brick wall.
life is about making decisions and taking risks. i know that. i'm not asking for perfection, but i'm just wondering... 'cuz of the missing part, when i should just accept it, and when i should leave the good things behind and find another.
wise people i know once said to me that good things need faith to flourish. so is that mean that i should just accept the missing part while it is eating me inside?
yes, we all need to know within ourselves what we can and can't live with. but what would you do if later you realize that your decision is the biggest mistake of your life... that you'll always regret for the rest of your life?
"giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it does not, be content it grew in yours."
never eat alone
think & grow rich
